Dead Men's s Boots

It was a principled decision, based more on the fact that she was in a same-sex relationship than on her shacking up with a demon. The modern Anglican church regards Hell as a state of mind and doesn’t officially believe in demons (unlike the Catholics, who hunt them with papally blessed flamethrowers), but it still has problems with church officers who are openly gay. As an atheist with issues, I have to say I love that shit.

Susan smiled, genuinely pleased to be asked. ‘No, I’m fine, really,’ she said. ‘I’m enjoying it.

It’s a little hard, sometimes, because I’m trying to do a lot of ambitious things on no money. But it’s lovely to be working with children. They’re so open-minded and spontaneous. And you’d be amazed how many children’s authors will do readings just for the fun of it. We had Antony Johnston in last week. He wrote the graphic-novel version of Stormbreaker. And he was wonderful. Very funny, and very – whatever the opposite of precious is. Very matter-of-fact about what he does. We got the biggest audience we’ve ever had. ’

‘Stormbreaker being . . . ?’ I prompted, feeling a little lost.

‘It’s one of the best-selling children’s books of the last decade, Felix,’ Susan chided me schoolmarmishly.

‘Oh, that Stormbreaker,’ I bluffed.

‘They made a movie of it.’

‘Not a patch on the book.’

‘You don’t need to work,’ Juliet said to Susan, putting a broom handle through the spokes of my small talk.

There was an awkward pause.

‘I like to work, Jules,’ Susan said.

Juliet met that statement with a cold deadpan ‘Why?’

Susan didn’t seem very happy with the question: generally anything that looked like an argument looming in the distance made her run for cover, but this time she stood her ground.

‘Because it’s part of who I am. If I just made your meals “adet land cleaned house for you, and warmed your bed, then – well, I’d be a very boring person. And then you’d want to see other people, and then you’d leave me. And then I’d kill myself.’

Juliet considered. ‘Yes,’ she said at last.

‘I can see the logic. I’ve never been romantically infatuated with anyone before, so it’s difficult right now to see how my feelings for you could change. But there’s plenty of evidence from human relationships, so you’re probably right. Go on.’

But Susan couldn’t. She forgot what she’d been saying, tried to start again, floundered into silence. For the first time in many, many months, I felt sorry enough for her to forget how much I envied her.